The In-Between

“You got the job! So… now what?” This period of time between finishing the interview process and actually moving to Shanghai to start my life there has been intense, complicated, and full of ups and downs. As soon as I read the email with the job offer (and then reread it sixteen more times just to make sure I wasn’t imagining it) I thought, “Holy sh*t. I’m moving to China.” And then, “HOLY SH*T. I’M MOVING TO CHINA!” And then, immediately burst into tears, alone, in my craft room. (No one is surprised. I cry often, both when I am happy and sad. And overwhelmed. And excited. I’ve cried a lot these past few months.)

I called my parents, in a state of shock, and it was a very calm, collected conversation. (I don’t think any of us could really believe it.) I had been mentally preparing myself (unsuccessfully) throughout the interview process to be okay with either option – either I get the job, move to Shanghai, and my life changes completely OR I stay in Philly for the rest of the year and go out of my way to do things that excite me, make me feel like I am still moving forward. If I didn’t get the job, I would create a show I’ve been dreaming about for a while. I had already done all the research to plan a two-week mythology tour adventure around Athens, Greece. I would take up a new hobby, or find a class, or join a book club. (Joke’s on you, Four-Months-Ago-Madison: now you can create a show, plan a Chinese mythology tour, find classes, and join a book club in SHANGHAI!)

But, as you can imagine, there is a lot that goes into preparing to move across the world with three months notice, especially to a country with a very complicated visa application process. (I promise I will be writing a whole separate blog post about the visa process – I’m still in the midst of it and want to wait until I can speak to all of it. But I will say this: if you are able, avoid starting a three month visa application process when you have only three months before you are supposed to be there, especially if those three months fall over three major holidays during which many businesses shut down. It…complicates things.) On top of the visa process, there was all of the paperwork for the school I would be working for. Doctor visits to make sure I was up to date with my shots/vaccinations. Finding someone to take over my lease with very little notice. Quitting my jobs here in Philly. Packing in four separate categories: stuff for storage (Thanks, Mom and Dad, for letting me keep stuff in your basement!! Thanks, Tori, for babysitting some of my furniture and art while I’m away!!), stuff for China (things for work, for traveling, for hiking, for beaches, for going out, for cold weather, for hot weather, for everything!), stuff to give away, and stuff to get rid of. Mentally preparing for what feels like the biggest thing I have ever done in my life (shout out to my therapist!).

Throughout this process, there’s been a lot of doubt and fear that has presented itself. What if I’m not good enough, and they wish they’d never hired me? What if living alone makes me feel really lonely? What if living alone across the planet from all of my friends and family pushes me down into a dark hole? What if all of my friends get used to their lives without me, and don’t need me anymore? What if they replace me with new friends? What if I’m not brave enough, strong enough, courageous enough to do this? Who do I think I am?

When these thoughts feel overwhelming, I have to remind myself: it is okay to be unsure. It is okay to be afraid. More than okay, it is normal. As a friend of mine so generously told me, I am not brave because I am about to do this without any fear. I am brave because I am doing this in spite of my fear. I have never traveled alone. I have never been to Asia. I’ve never lived alone. But I know that the person that I can be, the person inside that I am waiting to evolve into, can do all of that and more. This anxiety is the fire I will walk through to become the me that is waiting to emerge. Mother of dragons, and all that jazz.

Has the fear gone away? No, not completely. But the closer I get to leaving, and the more research I do into the history, the culture, the food, the mythology, the architecture, the language (I’m a Ravenclaw, knowledge brings me comfort) the more excited I get. As I pack my suitcases this week, it’s not been a sad or scary process. It’s been “Ooh, this will come in handy when I go to Indonesia,” or “I can’t wait to share this with my 7th graders, that will be a fun class,” or “Will this coat be thick enough to wear in Russia in December?” My notebook is filled with notes about restaurants I want to try, information about neighborhoods throughout Shanghai, new apps I want to download, art markets I want to check out… There is much still to be done, and a few weeks yet before I get on the plane, but lately all I can think is: “Holy sh*t. I’m moving to China.” And what a wonderful adventure that will be.